Thursday, July 26, 2012

Home

I went outside at 6:30 this morning, surprised to find that it was so much cooler outside the house. I threw open the south front door and the north back door, then my east bedroom window and the west kitchen window, and let the air flow in through the house. I rescued the Bakersfield Californian from the sprinklers.

I sat out front in my father's chair, where he smokes, reads, does sudoku puzzles, keeps up with the neighbors, and watches me drive away from or back to the house. I gazed at the towering palm trees, which had been tiny saplings when we planted them nine years ago. I picked some fragrant jasmines and some not-so-fragrant roses for my aunt's prayers. Technically you're not supposed to smell the flowers before you offer them to the gods in prayer, but I always enjoy a good strong whiff.

The black neighbor woman, she was singing a lovely song, but stopped abruptly to bark at her young daughter, "You only brought one glass of water when there's two of us! That's why you're selfish!" Then they set off on an early morning jog together, greeting me with a cheerful "Good morning!" on their way. I wonder sometimes if the neighbors know who I am.

I heard my aunt in the kitchen turning on the gas stove with a tick-tick-tick-woosh, as she heated water for coffee. I can hear the difference between her and my mother because my aunt wears three or four bangles, some glass and some gold, while amma has always just worn one single silent gold bangle on each thin wrist.

I went into my mother's room and touched her hair because it's usually the only part of her that isn't curled up in a tiny ball under the blanket. Her room was warm so I opened the sliding door, pushed aside the heavy curtains, and then crawled in next to her, throwing my long legs over her just to be obnoxious and because it's my birthright as her child. She woke up with a start, but then mumbled "you're so cold" and then pulled the blanket over me.

I went and sat in the backyard. The neighbor's dog barked and whined at me through the wooden fence between us, and I reminded him patiently for the millionth time that I'm the one who pisses on this property.

Still fueled by that early-morning energy, I went back into my mother's room and ironed a couple of shirts for my dad and a couple for my mom. I don't like ironing, but then when was the last time I had a laundry basketful of my parents' wrinkly clothes lying around?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Where am I?

I've been back for almost 48 hours now. Did it really happen? Was I really living in Spain for 6 months? I'm a little jet lagged, a little numb, and for the most part, I don't seem to understand that this isn't just another weekend trip away from Madrid. I really left.

I went grocery shopping with Mom and aunt yesterday, and found myself saying "perdón." When Dad told me some silly local news tidbit, I wanted to react with "Dios!"

The latest addition to the house is a handful of Kannada language TV channels, so I've gone from constant Spanish to constant Kannada, and I am beginning to feel an acute sense of loss.

I keep logging into my work email, out of habit. My first night back home, I woke up at 2 AM and chatted and Skyped with my Spanish friends and coworkers. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night again, but did not feel like speaking to anybody.

I turned on my US cellphone at the airport, but it left me with such a sense of uneasiness and anxiety, that as soon as I found my parents at the airport, I switched it off and hid it somewhere. I don't want it. I don't want to be connected. Not yet.

I had a direct flight from Madrid to Los Angeles, a full 13 hours in the air. It was as uncomfortable and unpleasant as my 8 hour bus ride from Barcelona to Madrid a couple of months ago, and maybe that's why I don't seem to grasp the permanence of this move.

I wrote this a month ago in Madrid:
"I can feel it ending. My 6-month honeymoon with myself. I feel the small cracks spreading out as that other reality presses in. I've been left alone for 6 months, and I don't know how I'll survive the change in habitat."
During the flight back to California, I started and read the majority of Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita, which put me in an understandably depraved state of mind. Maybe finishing Lolita will set me free and snap me out of this daze.